Am I OK? … here’s your answer…

I am really tyring to come to peace with the loss of my brother. For the past week, I have been uncontrollably sad. I’ve never felt emotions like this. I am writing this because it’s how I feel. I don’t want to remember this time as covering up my emotions or becoming angry because I can’t be sad. I am sad. I hurt everywhere.

When my dad died in December, I melted. I think I went from shock to depression more slowly. My shock lasted long enough for me to be able to take care of all the funeral arrangements and to say goodbye. After that…after all the people left and I said goodbye. I hurt. I melted. I cried and cried. I couldn’t sleep and I couldn’t eat. I focused all my energy on making sure that my mom was okay.

I have heard that people in Canada (and the US) have a really heartless way of mourning. Is it that we are just conditioned to believe that we should be mourning for a couple hours and then keep it together for the rest of the people who are still alive…. including ourselves? It varies depending on the culture, but in general we are lucky to have a few days off work to pick ourselves up and move on.

I am in mourning. I am dealing with grief. I am sad. I am depressed. I feel anxious. I want something to bring me a glimmer of happiness. I want to turn on my gaming system and be excited to see so many messages from friends who want to be my friends… and play games with me. I’m just not there right now.

I will turn on my games, get everything ready, and just stare at the screen for 30 minutes before attempting to join a game. I will start laundry and forget about it. I found an old ruby ring of mine while packing and I put it into the cleaner so I could get the grime off… I forgot about it all night. I was on the phone with my mom this morning and looked over at the box I was sorting and remembered! Thankfully it was ok. But am I? Is everything that I’m feeling normal? Is it okay to feel so sad that I don’t want to do anything. I forget to eat, I don’t even want coffee but I’ve been drinking it to avoid any headaches.

The death of my brother Derek. Wow. August 9th, 2010. This hurts. It feels different than the death of my dad 8 months ago. This was an accident. David was with him. Now I know his last words and that hurts. I think about him screaming them out. I think about him in the water. I don’t want to. I don’t want to know that David tried to give him CPR but it was too late. I hate knowing that my living brother David will have to deal with his own personal connection to all this. He was the one who had to close Derek’s eyes. They were on the island for at least 3 hours before help came.

I listen to my sister talk about her phone crapping out. It keeps saying phone line in use. There is no other phones plugged in. The phone company came over and they said nothing was wrong with it. She is sure that it’s Derek messing with the phones. What is going on? What is my poor family going through? I wish I could take us back to last year when we were all living. To a time when it seemed careless to bicker at each other and to know that the next time you see them you will be able to hug them. I want to hug my dad. I want him to be in my life. I want Derek there to talk to Johnny and make sure he is going to be okay in life. I want my family to consist of 5 living siblings and 2 living parents.

I was on the phone with mom this morning and I remembered that after my high-school grad and dry-grad, I went home. Derek was the only person awake. He was laying in the living-room watching television. He helped me take out all my bobby pins. There had to be about 200 of them. My hair was curled in every direction and pinned everywhere. Derek listened to my stories of grad and laughed at the stupid things that happened. He was always there for that. He knew how to be a friend. He was an amazing brother. I want to hug him too.

I keep telling myself that I am going to get through this. The tears and the sadness is normal.

I had a few hugs from Derek the last time I saw him. I remember it clearly. He was with the whole family up at Jones Lake. We were spreading my dad’s ashes. We were saying goodbye. Derek hung out on the rocks and watched as the roses floated away. I will never know what he was thinking. Perhaps he was saying good bye. He was always rather emotional and had his heart on his sleeve (so to speak).

I love how our current society has so much emphasis on technology and how I can announce anything on Facebook and it will go viral. I have re-connected with so many people from 10-15 years ago. People that just moved away or lost touch with due to different groups of friends. Derek was loved. Derek had a rather unique personality and I’m sure that each of his relationships were different. He had many girlfriends… I don’t know how he managed it, but there was always a girlfriend waiting to be with him. Maybe it was because he was genuinely kind. He cared. He wasn’t much of a fighter and he wouldn’t put up a fight if a girl was overly controlling or a little nuts… but he cared, and he loved.

I had to deal with one rather Unemphatic message from one of his ex’s. The mother of his 15 year old son. Exactly 1 week after I heard about my brothers death, she sent a cold, straight to the point message to me on facebook (with no condolences) requesting my brothers death certificate so she could bring it to the courts. I still haven’t responded to her, nor will I ever. I don’t know how to. I understand that paperwork needs to be done, but I am clearly not in any state to be ordering and delivering death certificates! It took me about 4 months to get a copy of my dads. It’s not something you ask someone for that you haven’t spoken to in 8 months (since my dad’s death).

I am on my way to see a psychologist for the first time. I have studied psychology in college and university and I have a basis understanding of it. I am just looking for someone to tell me that it will all be okay. So yes… $160 per hour might seem a bit crazy to be told that, when I am hearing it from everyone I know… but it’s just something I feel I need to do.

Having two deaths in my family… that’s just too much for me deal with. I don’t want to be sad. I don’t want to drink alone in the middle of the day. I don’t want to space out for hours and have no idea what’s going on, and I don’t want people to worry about me. I want to be okay.


I am sitting at the doctors office. It’s a square office room with 2 chairs along 3 sides of the walls. I sat in one of the sets of chairs and directly across from me is a long, thin table. It has a small kettle with instant coffee and tea. To my right there is a water filter. I had about 3 glasses of water. I still can’t believe I am willing to pay so much to have someone tell me something that I should know. Our brains are funny little things eh.

There is some quite music playing from an ipod station beside me. I am going to see what it is. I am curious what a psychologist thinks is decent music for their waiting room. El Jaguar: Strunz & Farah Americas. Hmm…alright. It sounds sort of jazzy. The song before this one has a girl singing with a classical guitar. Probably just random songs. I wonder if they test how many people look to see what they are actually playing.

Don’t get me wrong, I loved psychology while I studied it. The brain is a very VERY interesting thing.

I am totally intrigued by this waiting room. I’ve been here for more than 20 minutes and no one has come out to greet me. WTF… the music just changed and now it’s some celtic music. Great Big Sea: Irish Patty Festival. Totally random stuff playing. Okay… so back to the description of my lovely little psychologist’s office. There are a few pictures hanging on the walls. Ducks. An old dude with 2 children, a broken path amongst a forest, a pond surrounded by palm trees, a wooden First Nations bird head statue thing, and some Asian letter, which looks almost like a cursive K.

There is a table in the middle of the room, which has a bunch of books on it. Oh man… what on earth am I doing here? This guy better have something wonderful and inspiring to say to me.

I can hear soft speaking through one of the rooms. It’s a girls voice. I heard the phone ring too… but didn’t hear anyone answer it. lll KiRa lll wondered if maybe I am the only customer of the day. Haha… well he would only have to work for one hour to make more than I do in a day!

I spent most of my trip here on the phone with mom. She seems to be in better spirits now. She is still planning on moving, at least for a while. I told her to go away and get fat … then come back all healthy. I need her to stay alive. I love my mom so much. She means the world to me. She’s my mom!

There’s a magazine on the table called “Scientific American Mind”. One of the headlining stories is “What makes You You?” as well as “The Sparks of Memory: How Brain-Cell Links Create Our Past and Future”. I am totally in a psychologist’s office. The clock is ticking away. It is 1:38 pm.

After this, depending on how I feel…the plan is to hit up Richmond Centre and go to the Manga store. I need to get a package out to Kari. I feel so bad that I haven’t replied to her lovely card and gift! I’ve picked up a couple small things… but I can’t post about it because she reads my blog! ❤

… I am getting so bored of sitting here.


5 responses to “Am I OK? … here’s your answer…

  1. What an amazing blog. Thank you for your honesty. Take care and feel what you feel – and keep writing.


  2. Your post made me cry! I am going thru some tough times, nothing like your loss , but a loss in its own way. I am here to help u in any way possible, keep ur blog going, it an ispiration to me and Im sure many others!

  3. our minds are weird and interesting things aren’t they? they need to be told by someone with a piece of framed paper on the wall that what you feel is normal, is a normal need. the world with all our technologies can make us feel instantly connected, yet at the same time, so very alone. i’m keeping you in my thoughts everyday, and i’m so glad so many people have reached out to you. you are truely special, and loved. if you ever just want to scream at the top of your lungs to someone, message me your phone # and i will call to be that ear 🙂

  4. Oh honey… I’m so sorry that you’re having to go through all of this again. That feeling of not wanting to eat or drink, not having any energy, and not being able to focus on anything for long hurts, but it really is normal. You’re trying to deal with so much that these things just take a back seat. Don’t beat yourself up about it ok?

    Love you.

  5. I know that words are not going to take your pain away right now, and that you need time to grieve the loss of Derek and your dad…but I hope you can find some comfort in knowing that you are such a special person and you have brightened so many people’s lives just by being who you are…there are so many people who love and care for you, and are here for you during this time if you need someone to talk to, or a shoulder to cry on. Your post has me in tears thinking what if this were ever to happen to my family, I don’t know what I would do… Right now you don’t need to bottle up your emotions, this is a tremendous loss and you have a right to feel the way you are feeling…any human being would feel this way. Slowly, day by day you will start to come to terms with what happened and find some peace in knowing that your brother and dad will always be with you in spirit and that they are watching over you right now. Life and death are mysterious things that our simple minds will never truly understand…after all, what is our purpose in life? Why do we die? why do we suffer? I remember when my grandfather died, I was very young…and very close to him…I remember that day very clearly. I didn’t understand why he passed away…so I asked my uncle “why did Grandpa have to die? He was such a good person!” He gave me a scenario that stuck with me till this day which helped me cope a little bit…he said “Imagine you’re at the store…would you rather have a rotten apple? or a good apple?”, Of course I said, I would prefer the nice shiny red apple! He said “Well God prefers to take good people to heaven…your grandpa was a good guy”. I’m OLD now and I still believe that little story!

    Love you lots…miss you, we’re looking forward to having you back with us.

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