Day 22 – A letter to someone who has hurt you recently.
Dear Derek,
I don’t know how to start off this letter. I am suppose to write to someone who has hurt me recently. I know you didn’t hurt me on purpose, but I have never felt pain like this. I need you. I wish that you were still here. I hate that you’re gone.
People ask me what happened to you… almost daily. I have to explain to them why I feel sad. Why I walk around without smiling. Why I have changed.
The answer is that I am sad. I try to hide my feelings, I try to appear happy. I miss you and it breaks my heart that you are gone.
It was hard enough when Dad died in December. 8 months Derek.
8 months…
8 months…
I can’t even begin to fathom the loss that Mom is going through.
I hate that you’re dead.
I wish you would have left the boat. I wish you swam to shore with David and Shelly. I know you were just waiting for David to bring Shelly to shore and come back to get the boat with you. I know that if you had any idea that your life was in danger, you wouldn’t have given it all up to hold on to that damned thing. Hypothermia… the water was so cold, but after a while it is probably numbing.
I hate that you were out there for so long by yourself.
I wish someone was there to help you. I wish that you felt the cold and started swimming to shore. I wish so many different scenarios and options. I know that nothing changes the fact that you’re gone, but I still think about the different outcomes that could have happened.
It hurts me to know that David tried so hard to bring you back, and then he was left on the island with your body for hours before Search and Rescue arrived. All of his strength brought you to shore. He tried so hard to bring you back with CPR. I feel absolutely terrible for David, and his final memories of being with you. He closed your eyes. You were more than just his brother. You were his best friend. I can feel his loss when I am with him.
I have to catch myself when I’m talking about coming out there. I am so used to saying “Derek and David”. Just like I would refer to our parents as “Mom and Dad”.
It took me months to change my caller ID for our parents. It said “Mom and Dad”. I had to change it to “Mom’s cell”, because I would get terribly upset when mom called and I saw Mom and Dad.
Derek, the last time that we were together, I got to hug you and we were able to remember Dad together, and briefly talk about your new job and my terrible addiction to video games! You were with me when we spread his ashes. That was a month before you died. You sat on the rocks for a long time. You helped to push the ashes out. You said your own little prayers and said goodbye. I knew that would be the place where you would go to rest when you died. I did not think it would be so soon after Dad.
I don’t know anyone else who has hurt me. At least not really hurt me or recently. I haven’t been able to say goodbye to you yet. I don’t think I ever will. I will always hold on the memory of you. I mean, really… you were just 32 years old when you died. A fluke accident. A terrible tragedy. It wasn’t even a stupid mistake. YOU did everything right. You wore a life jacket, you held onto the boat, you called for help. You just didn’t make it to the shore alive.
Since you are not with me, I hope you’re with Dad and anyone else who was special in your life that has passed away. Please send my love to Dad (and let him know that Mom is doing much better)… Tell Jess that I said “Hello… and Tish loves her”.
I want to wish you peace and assurance that we are all going to be alright. In time… we will be alright.
I really wish you were here.
Love your little sister.
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